So I realized that I didn't really leave any explanation about the title of this new blog of mine and I also realized that I may sound a bit odd to people without an explanation so here it goes....
It started a long time ago when a pastor used this phrase in a sermon that I heard (honestly I can't remember which pastor it was) and very since then that phrase has stuck in the back cobwebby corners of my mind jumping out at random times; not a wholy upleasant thought just an unpexpected one most times.
This summer God used this phrase to help me put a lot of things in perspective. As some of you know I have spent much of the last few years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and how I could make a living doing it. I bounced between random jobs and unemployment for about a year and a half after a very purpose driven college career. I eventually began teaching at a christian school. It wasn't a bad gig, I actually felt very blessed to be there but I also had the distinct feeling that I wasn't where God was going to keep me. Anyways, at the same time of all of this career confusion I also found myself extremely single, which was not particularly by choice nor by lack of trying to be honest. I spent a lot of time praying about all of this confusion and feeling out of place; God answered that prayer by sending me to Kenya for the summer.
By giving me that "something to do" He gave me all the assurance I needed that I was exactly in the state of life that He wanted me in. At the same time I was also blessed to change careers and I began to be able to use my gifts and schooling in a much more obvious way. (I work in a fire marshal's office as an inspector).
This past summer, through the wise words of my teammates, the Pastor, and my quiet times with God I began to see life through a new timeline. God opened my eyes a bit to see this life as nothing more than preparation for Heaven, just a period of usefullness before I get to spend eternity with my God and Savior.
Even though I still struggle with discontentment, I can now think back to the fact that this whole life is but a season and that it's really just a gift from God anyways. In the end it won't matter so much how I spent my time here as long as I spent it loving God and loving people. What a freeing thought! When I really get this and stop bucking against it, I'm ok being single, I'm ok not living on my own, I'm ok not knowing what I'll be doing in 5-10 years. Of course these times of surrender to God are few and far between and completely the work of the Holy Spirit.
So that's where the title came from, I have made a concious decision to live to die well. In the words of the movie Fight Club, "I don't want to die without any scars." I want to live life to its fullest, I want to die completely spent and exhausted ready for an eternity of rest and glory and joy. I want to live saturated with God's Word, that I would be the aroma of Christ where ever I go. I want love deeply and without fear. I want to throw caution to the wind when it comes to chasing after God's will for my life. When I die I want Satan to say, "She's finally out of my hair," my friends and family to say, "there was something different about that girl," and most importantly, my God to say, "well done good and faithful servant, welcome home daughter of mine."