August 25, 2010

"It's just the gypsy in my soul"

Gray days make me want to run.  Clouds alone are not enough to send me into a tail-spin, but every once in awhile a patch of unsettled weather aligns with the end of a season, and hormones, and individually meaningless disappointments, all working together to make me feel as unsettled as the boiling gray clouds above me with tears seeming as close the mist that refuses to rain.  On days like this I feel I hear my name in the wind and see the road rising up before me, daring me to leave it all behind and just start over.  The lies of discontent become almost overwhelming and the ties of love and common sense seem to be stretched to the limit.  For a day or two I dream of how deliciously romantic it would be to just keep driving past my exit on my way home from work...to drive far enough to drown out the "nevers" and "maybes", the "shoulda dones" and "coulda dones"....and i think how wonderful to be Mary Poppins or that lady from Chocolat who would just pick up and leave whenever their job was done and the wind changed.  I crave the feeling of jumping without a net, of spreading my arms and flying with reckless abandon.
On days like this I wonder how a season of glorious possibility, that was once so full of promise and plan, is drawing to a close before all the dreams could be fulfilled.  I remember dreams of long ago that still hang unrealized.  And I stew in unlived memories with only a cup of tea for company.  How lovely to just leave the disappointments behind and create new memories, in a new place where no one knows my name or what to expect from me.  I look at the lives of those around me and see them moving on while I feel stuck in the mud and mire.
Lies are easier to believe on gray days.  It's not that I doubt the love of my family and friends, it is their love that keeps me here instead of running when this restless spirit hits.
Praise God He does not let me stay here long.  Behold the power of a beautiful redheaded baby boy snuggled into my chest as we dance to every song comes on the radio.  Babysitting my favorite redheaded nephew tonight was exactly what I needed.  As he sleeps in the room next to me and I begin to clean up the broken bits of dinner left of the floor I realize that God was here, these pieces of tomato and bread and hummus are bits of manna from heaven, my Father's love sent to comfort my soul....yes there are dreams still unrealized and hungers still unsatisfied but He is good and has promised good to me.  Little by little my Father is teaching me to trust Him in the midst of longing, not to meet the need but that He will be enough.
Realizing my brokenness and God's wholeness with Emily for Imperfect Prose

14 comments:

  1. smiles. i share a similar discontent or lie at some times...i long for the road...but he is teaching me roots...and at times it is hard....love that last scene with the little ones...i love dancing with our little and my wife...they are home to me...

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  2. I love that you used the Chocolat character and Mary Poppins as an example. Two of my favorite fairy tale characters, for just that same reason. You have a lovely, whimsical way of saying something I believe many feel, but don't know how to properly express.
    A lovely post. Thank you.

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  3. Tender, honest, poignant. Beautifully written. I can relate very well to that feeling, it may be there is an unfulfilled dream that needs to be expressed? In my quiet moments the thought occurs to me if we are steadfast in our faith, in God’s timing our days will move closer to align with our dreams. I am still reinventing myself – and discovering new ways to bring color to my world.
    Yours is a little red headed boy.
    cheers,
    Joanny

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  4. Raw and beautiful! Dont you love those bits of manna from Heaven that He sends to comfort the soul! Lovely words!

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  5. I am inspired...thank you for sharing this beautiful part of your soul. :-)

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  6. I love your heart, girl. As you know, I am ready and willing to run away with you anytime you need to (or just get together and watch Chocolat!). Keep writing.

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  7. lies are easier to believe on gray days.... so true!! my husband is one of those meant to live in NW states like washington b/cs he LOVES gray weather! i'm a sunshiney girl myself, and i adore chocolat (just sayin'!)
    but the deeper level in this prose makes my heart a little weepy b/cs i've so recently been there, the wanting to run away and the staying tied for sheer love waiting and keeping us where we are.
    and the tomato-hummus mess that is manna from heaven? yes, please! it's so true... he gives us good gifts, and as mary poppins says, enough is as good as a feast!

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  8. Thank you for sharing your heart, "How lovely to just leave the disappointments behind and create new memories, in a new place where no one knows my name or what to expect from me"
    Learning to truly trust the Father - such a difficult, yet important journey.

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  9. It's so wonderful you snuggle safely in God's arms.

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  10. I love how the grey day sets up a restless spirit. So well written that it reminded me of times when I've wanted to drive and just keep on driving and see where the road would take me. Enjoyed this immensely.

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  11. For some reason your post reminded me of that verse, "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 138:9-10

    We all have "running away" thoughts. Running from pain, difficulties, unfulfilled dreams; running to new horizons (we think.) But His hand of Love is always upon us, keeping us close to His plan, close to His purpose.

    Thanks for your honest expression here. And as Nancy says, a little escape to watch a good movie or read a good book is sometimes all the escape we need!

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  12. oh, i know, the dull of those gray days... they are dreadful and i need God so much on them. thank you, friend, for helping us see the color of his grace through your red-headed nephew. love to you... e.

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  13. It's so funny - my husband and I were just discussing this very thing with our pastor tonight - that restless spirit, and trusting God, listening and waiting, actively waiting. Bless you.

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  14. i too have wanted to run away. a friend drove across country this summer and i longed to drive too, to run away from the everyday. our pastor is leaving and i want to leave, to give up, to find a different church where it won't hurt so much. but God says stay and as much as i want to escape, i can't leave my little monkeys who live in my heart and in my home. thanks for sharing.

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