Living to Die Well

Lauri: Warrior Princess

2012-02-01T21:25:00.001-05:00

...Prayer Warrior to be precise.
This year I feel like God is leading me to deeper devotion in my prayer life. When I was in Kenya, one of the first lessons the Pastor taught our team was, "Without prayer you will not survive, literally." And so those 8 weeks we took him at his word and sought God's face over everything, growing in confidence to pray out loud, learning better how to pray with and for others, even exploring different ways to pray both individually and as a group. It was one of those lessons I thought would never fade, that I had finally earned my prayer warrior stripes for good.
But a couple years later, a couple years of food security and being within my cultural comfort zone surrounded by everything I need to meet my survival needs, and my warrior stripes have significant;y faded; my prayer muscle has grown flabby.
And so, I feel like my Heavenly Father is telling me to get off the couch and get working on those muscles again.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 has been gnawing at my heart, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
And so I have begun.
Step 1. When I say I'm going to pray for someone, I write their name on a post-it note and stick it to my bathroom mirror. This way while I'm brushing my teeth and drying my hair I am reminded to seek God on their behalf. (for someone like me who thinks better while she's moving/doing something it definitely helps)
Step 2. I am trying to be intentional about praying before I go to sleep and to use my first controllable conscious thought to pray a prayer of thanksgiving. "Thank you God for this breath in my lungs and seeing me safely through the night" starts the morning off a lot better than "O shoot is it really Monday, what have I got to do today?"
Step 3. I pray before I eat. Not just a prayer of thanks for my food, but I pray for heavy burdens on my heart. This is how I fast. Prayer and fasting seem to go together like peas and carrots and this has been a sticky problem for me in my desire to become more prayer warrior like...warriors fast and I can't. I have a history of eating issues or not-eating issues to be more precise but that is a story of God's faithfulness for another time, we'll just say that by God's grace it is not a daily struggle. However, it is still a struggle in particular when I am anxious or feel like my world is out of control and so I know that choosing not to eat for a period of time will lead to an unnecessary temptation. So with all of this messiness I've had a hard time figuring out how to work "fasting" into my life. I've done media fasts, but I feel like there's something about focusing on your Sustainer instead of sustenance that media-fasts miss. So I've started using my meal time as a reminder to pray for things that are particularly heavy on my heart, things I need to lay at Jesus' feet continually so that I don't try and fix it on my own. I don't know if it's right or an appropriate alternative but it's working for me
Step 4. I'm reminding myself to pray with confidence, like the daughter of the King that He has made me to be.
Ephesians 3:12 : In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Hebrews 4:16 : Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Matthew 21:22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Pretty powerful promises!

On my own I am weak and I need to constantly be reminded of what I know to be true. I need to remember that it is not only in Kenya that I will not survive without prayer...it's everywhere. By His grace alone can I become the Prayer Warrior Princess that He would have me be.

Linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

Teaching and spilling paint and panic attacks of inadequacy

2012-01-25T20:51:00.001-05:00

I need to be honest I am a pretty extreme type A linear logic driven thinker by nature. Everything is connected, everything has a place, and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction on which I depend for my sanity. My family, friends, and coworkers can attest to my love of things in alphabetical or rainbow color order, the tangled webs of logic, justification, or explanation at a moments notice, and my uneasiness when I can't put a logic to something.
My mom and my sister and some of my closest friends are artists.
For a long time I could not see myself as artistic or even creative because I saw their ability to create beauty and felt woefully inadequate. "Oh, I'm not artistic (or fashionable, or creative, or musical, or able to dance), you should see what my sister/mom/friend can do" was my refrain when people looked over my shoulder and commented on my doodles or asked if I liked to dance. And because my type A brain measured myself against others and found me lacking so I just refused to include art in the definition of who I am.
Then a shift happened, I'm not sure when...it was more of a glacial melt then an earthquake...I started owning up to my doodling abilities, my love of moving to the music, my own personal style. And I realized something, the language of beauty is one that must be practiced...whether its spilling finger paint and glitter glue, or making a quilt, or baking bread, or arranging flowers, or playing an instrument or singing or writing poetry or prose or whatever else it is that you can use to express beauty, you need to keep doing it to stay fluent. Practicing not be better by the world's standards but practicing to be better able to use that medium to express what you want it to.
I still wish I could take a picture of what I see in my brain or record the words on my heart without having to do the work of getting it out; I still get really frustrated when the brush won't go the way I want it to or the pencil won't follow the line in my head but I know now that sometimes it's enough just to get it out and on to paper.
I'm teaching a women's Sunday school class this Sunday about art as worship. I'll be honest the old panic attacks of inadequacy are nipping at my heels -" how am I, the crazy kid who got really mad in art class and refused to dance for years, going to have anything to share?"
All I have is this by God's grace alone have I begun to stutter this language of beauty. He is Author of beauty and His love of it is written on our hearts. He has given us each various and varied gifts to express this writing on our hearts, and He calls us to be faithful. To reflect His beauty back at Him. It's not art because someone else deems it worthy, its art because I've done it for Him and He calls me worthy.

Linking up with Emily and others in the beauty of redemption over at Imperfect Prose.

NPR Wisdom

2012-01-11T19:28:00.001-05:00

re-post from 2 years ago...because it's something I needed to hear again

I was listening to Morning Edition during my commute today and I heard something that made me think. During a plug for supporting public media the announcer said that "sometimes it is worth it to stop everything and just to listen." I'm pretty sure that they were talking about that moment when you put your shopping or appointments on hold for a few minutes to stay in your parked car to listen to an NPR story that has captured your attention, which I have done and I wholeheartedly feel that that is a worthy cause I feel that this phrase has much deeper applications.
Often times in New England I feel that efficiency is so highly prized that quick response and action are prioritized higher than actually listening to what people are saying, processing it and responding thoughtfully. How often do we miss what other people say or even respond with a completely inappropriate ("not making sense" not "naughty" inappropriate)response? One i have caught myself saying is: when some says,"What's new?" I will respond "fine thank you, how are you?" First of all they didn't ask how I was, they asked what was new in my life. Second, I'm assuming that they won't actually care about my response to I answer "fine" instead of how I really am. craziness!!!!
Imagine the implications in everyday life if we, even for just one day, made an intentional effort to actually listen to what everyone said to us and to respond after first thinking about what they said and how we should respond. I can imagine that while some people would be flattered or intrigued, others will become easily frustrated by not receiving a response at the speed that they expect.

But even deeper than that, God frequently calls us to "stop and just listen." This is so unamerican. Stopping everything, all the multitasking, worrying, juggling and spinning plates, to listen to someone Who wants to focus on Him alone. If anyone else were to demand this type of attention it would seem absurd and yet this is exactly what God calls us to do, to "be still and know that He is God." Most times He doesn't even want to tell us what to do but reveal a part of who He is! Reading God's Word, prayer, church, the sacraments, all of these are ways that God speaks to us and these are all things that should never be multitasked. God deserves a singular focus.
I remember a speaker talking about being still and allowing things to settle during that stillness. She used the visual of a mason jar filled with swirling muddy water, you couldn't see anything other than brown, but when she let it sit eventually the dirt settled to the bottom and the sticks and rocks that were previously hidden became perfectly visable. I think that there are probably imbedded sins and idols that are easy to hide when I am busy, God is calling me to be still so that I have to focus on Him and to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and root out those sins.

Random bit of wisdom from WNPR.

Linking up with Emily over at Imperfect Prose

dementors, starring contests with computers, massive to do lists and all of my other lame excuses

2012-01-04T19:35:00.000-05:00

yes, it has been too long since I've posted...over a month in fact
I could blame it on the massive to-do lists I had...what with the holidays and work craziness and going to school for a week
I could blame it on the fact that cold gray weather seems to suck a lot of joy and creativity out of my spirit much like the dementors that tormented Harry Potter
I could also blame it on the fact that the cheeky little cursor blinked a constant nagging taunt every time I thought I had something to share...I couldn't get the thoughts to get out of my head long enough to make hem make sense on the screen and so nights turned into starring contests between me and my computer, usually with a glass of wine as a referee
The truth is, I'm lame and all of these factors plus others kicked my butt and kept me from writing. I want to do better this year.
I spend so much time wondering if the thoughts rolling around in my head are worth putting words to. Honestly most of them probably aren't; but I now know that if I don't go through the effort to exercise my word-crafting muscle that when I actually do have an idea worthy the muscle will be so flabby and out of practice that it won't come out right anyways. Besides, who's to say what's worth the effort and what isn't? Perhaps some of my random ramblings will spark a thought in someone else's mind and have consequences I could never imagine.
All that being said...'tis the season for resolutions so here I go
This year I resolve to keep up with planning my meals on a weekly basis in order to be a better steward of my food budget and the items I purchase ( i bought a beautiful magnetic chalkboard from ikea for just such a purpose). Last year I kept up with this until late February, I'm hoping this year to make it past my birthday in March and maybe even into the summer :)
This year I resolve to ask my self "What can I create?" instead of "What can I consume?" I want to live out the image of my Creator in this way. I also resolve to be more intentional in how I spend my money, more local and small business shopping and more fair trade and organic items.
This year I resolve to be more intentional in my garden planning and harvest preserving.
This year I resolve to choose to focus on gratitude when the lonelys and the discontents settle in.
This year I resolve to my more faithful in how I pray for others.
This year I resolve to write more often, even if it's silly or just a nifty idea that I've found.

Actual Reality

2011-12-01T19:16:00.001-05:00

"Actual reality! Act up! Fight AIDS!" (a line from one of my favorite shows/musicals RENT)

Today is World AIDS Day and I'm having a hard time putting into words what I want to say. God calls us to pray and seek the good of the city in which we live, to protect the orphan and widow, love our neighbors, free slaves, feed the hungry...to be His hands and feet to serve those in need. All of these tell me that I should be praying for a cure and supporting the cause to heal the millions effected by this terrible disease. Disease, pain, sickness, sorrow, natural disasters, betrayal, hatred...the list goes on and on, reminders that things are not as they should be. Reminders like today make me long for the day when God fulfills His promise to heal every disease and wipe every tear from His people's eyes. But until that day He calls us to be His hands and feet to spread His blessings and love far as the curse in found. So until that day comes I will pray and give, spread information and encourage folks to get tested and get active in the cause. Check out http://www.worldaidsday.org/ .

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

Linking up with Emily and others redeeming the imperfect over at Imperfect Prose

Christmas Minor Keys and my favorite moment in television

2011-11-17T19:10:00.001-05:00

I decorated this week! I know it's a bit early but life has been kicking my butt and I definitely needed some Christmas in my life.

Glitter and God's promise to live with His people work together so well to give me a new perspective.

My all-time favorite Christmas television special is Merry Christmas Charlie Brown. The minor key of "Christmas Time is Here" seems to get at the heart of slightly melancholy longing that I associate with Christmas.

As much as I long for the joy and peace that Christmas brings, I know that it will only last for a season. I know that I'll keep longing until the day that Jesus comes back or He brings me home, but it sure is nice to have glimpses of glory caught in fairy lights and mistletoe to look forward to.

And then there's the fact that Linus preaches the gospel each year on national television for the best moment ever!!!

linking up my Christmas melancholy joy with Emily at Imperfect Prose

Dragons, Manhattans, Snowmageddon, and Alphabetical Christmas Playlists

2011-11-09T18:19:00.001-05:00

Let's just say it's been a busy month. As some of you know I am a Fire Inspector/firefighter, but in October my job title changes to "Fire Prevention Rockstar." I love fire prevention and public education...teaching people how not to set their house on fire and how to get out safely if something goes wrong is one of the many things that get me jazzed up pretty easily. October is fire prevention month (because the anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire falls in there), which means I get to educate the public even more :) This year, not only did I get to visit students and teach them about fire safety but I found a book to share too! No Dragons for Tea: A fire-safety book for kids and dragons is now my new favorite book and I'm pretty sure I can recite it now from reading it so often. It's a great intro to fire safety concepts for kids...and it rhymes! "When the smoke alarm says beep beep beep get out fast and stay out" "stay 3 giant steps away from things that get hot" "stop drop and roll" "don't play with matches" "do a fire drill at home, with 2 ways out of every room" became my daily mantra. I love my job but 1200 kids in 3 weeks kicked my butt a bit.

To celebrate surviving Fire Prevention Month, I hosted a 1950's cocktail party for my knitting club posse. Cooking is uber relaxing for me so it was a great way to unwind...
so is drinking a manhattan in a fun party dress and apron!

If only the chillaxing could have lasted....less than 24 hours after my party I was suited up in my firefighting gear responding to back-to-back emergency calls during a freak snow storm on October 29th. As it's been a pretty mild fall a lot of trees still had leaves on them, this plus the thick slush and ice that fell from the sky did a whole lot of damage...trees and powerlines closing down roads, power out for more than a week in a lot of places...it was a mess. I spent most of last week getting to practice hospitality alondside my co-workers by answering phones at an emergency operations center and working at a shelter for those who were displaced by the storm. While the storm and the damage that was done by it was a mess and not something I would ever wish to have again, it was fun to be able to use that gift at my "day job."

Now that power has been restored, roads have been cleared and the citizenry has been educated it's time to focus on upcoming holidays!!! Since Halloween has come and gone, I feel that I am allowed to rock the Christmas tunes (on a low volume for now until Thanksgiving) at work and start lighting pine scented candles (at a constantly attended location of course). One of my favorite Christmas playlists on my iTunes (yes I have more than one) is a mixed CD that I made for my lovely cousin...i unknowingly recorded it in alphabetical order. Luckily she shares my love of most things orderly and the alphbetical nature of the CD gave her much joy. So know I listen to it in alphabetical order.

God has taught me some things since I last wrote:
1. It is not possible to be all things to all people and I need to be more prayerful about commitments I make
2. Burn-out is a real and ever present threat, i must learn to be poured out and not get burned out... as my mother said, "God calls us to be a vessel not a phoenix"
3. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing
4. Glimpses of heaven in toddler laughs, pre-schooler looks of wonder, and friendly hugs are worth more than I ever realize in the moment that they happen.

I'm sorry I have been so absent and that I have been so long-winded in my return. Thank you for your patience with my journey!

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose

writer's block and jack o lanterns

2011-10-05T20:47:00.002-04:00

i haven't written much lately because I have been at a loss for words when I sit at my computer to write. Driving home from work, picking out which peanut butter to buy at the grocery store, when I lie awake in the middle of the night staring at the clock....these are the times when words fill my head and thoughts come together. Then just as quickly the words fade, the thoughts no longer make sense, the rational part of my brain takes over and says, "you can't post that." Part of my problem is that October is just a rough month anyways, we have a history you might say...October is a month of reality, and that doesn't always suit me very well. Somehow that transition from September to October hits, like a child the year turns from 9 to 10 and the weight of "double digits" brings closure to a simpler time. The expectations of a new year, the hopefulness of spring, the rollicking reverie of summer, even the excitement of a new school year all seem to slip away and I start to think, "well it hasn't happened yet, it probably won't this year," and that makes me a bit gloomy. The days are significantly shorter and there's no hiding the fact that I can see my breath when I leave for work in the morning. Summer dresses can no longer stand up to the dropping temperatures and the toes that reveled in sunshine and sandals are banished to the dungeons of socks and boots. And then on top of all of this reality and chill there's halloween hitting me in the face everywhere I go. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good costume and pumpkins and my fair share of funsized candies; I'm even a huge fan of the Nightmare Before Christmas, but there is only so much creepiness I can take. Gorey goblins and wicked witches, spooky spiders and grey gravestones seem to take up every available space, and the constant reminder of death and evil just get a bit tiring after a while.
I know that some people get mad about Christmas taking over store fronts in October, they claim that Christmas has no place taking over Halloween and Thanksgiving's time in the spotlight. In some ways I can see their point but for me it's one of the few things that gets me through October. The Incarnation, God becoming flesh and dwelling among His people is what gives me hope. I know that no matter how much reality slaps me around that Jesus felt the same. Walking through Macy's and seeing the Christmas dishes displayed, Hallmark moving the ornaments to the front of the store, sneaking a Christmas CD into my computer at work, these are all things that give me joy and get me through the first frosts and barrage of jack o' lanterns because they remind me that Jesus loves me enough to take on flesh. And because He came and lived here on Earth for a bit, I know that not only does He "get it" when the gloominess sinks in and I can only pray in sighs, but He will also love me through it. In the words of one of my fabulous Titus 2 Women, "Christmas really does make everything better"

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose

Functional Glitter

2011-09-07T19:10:00.000-04:00

These are my new much beloved boots! They found me at a fair last weekend and I just had to bring them home. Icould not be happier with them, I now have real boots to do my boot-scooting in!

On the ride home from the fair, I was so excited about them that I reached into the bag and pulled one out to began reading the description on the tag of all of these boots' wonderful features.
Not only are the insoles padded and moisture-wicking (a much appreciated feature for when "you could have danced all night") but the carbon-rubber outsoles are actually designed to be "acid and manure resistant"!
Imagine, something so pretty, with all of that shiny bling, being designed to last through mud and muck!

In the midst of my giggles about this feature it hit, isn't that what love is supposed to be?

Functional, resilient, and yet beautiful?
I remember my Pastor saying once that Romans 12 is a picture of love with it's overalls on ready to work, this is what love is to look like in real life ...
^"9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

The beauty of hospitality and compassion, the tirelessness of joy in hope and sincerity, the peaceful strength of true humility, the manure resistance of overcoming evil with good!
Who knew that cowboy boots could preach the gospel?
I pray that my heart will be ever more shaped like my Savior's, covered in functional glitter.

Linking up with Emily and others at imperfect prose.

Cosmic Giraffe

2011-08-24T21:06:00.001-04:00

Let me begin by saying, "I wish my phone took better pictures..."
One day at work, running between inspections and appointments
I stood at town hall waiting for the world's slowest elevator
In my waiting I took time to look at the artwork on the bulletin board
And there I saw it... A GIRAFFE!
(for those of you new to this spot...I love giraffes!! For a full explanation click here )
And not just any giraffe, a giraffe falling through space!
"What?" you may ask, but you heard me correctly
On top of construction paper black covered with stars and moons and planets crayon bright
lay pasted a construction paper, elementary-aged drawn, giraffe....
legs sprawled to either side, falling head first, tail tangling in the cosmic breeze
this second grade art project, hung in town hall, has been on my mind since the first time I saw it...
Giraffes are fearless - strong, in control of their world, gracefully striding over grass and mud
I want to believe that giraffes are strong because they are fearless, not fearless because they are strong
I want to believe that this cosmic giraffe is confident and strong even though it is so far out of it's element
how often have I felt like that giraffe lately....Life is going along normally and then all of a sudden I find myself upside down falling through space, left wondering "What happened? How in the world did I get here?"
Fearlessness is much easier when control and predictability are mine for the taking...but what about when my world flips upside down and shakes my into space?
I want to be fearless - strong when found suddenly falling through space
not fearless because I know my own strength
but strong because I know that I have nothing to fear
confident in the One's whose hands I find myself in, confident in the grasp of my Savior
...I have a long way to grow before I am that fearless-strong but I am growing and for now that is enough

Linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

a month of sundays

2011-07-27T18:47:00.000-04:00

ever have one of those days when you feel like you're running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off?
that life is just sort of happening to you instead of you being able to control any of it
that there just aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week for that matter?
it has been one of those weeks...no months....no summers for me
At every turn I feel pulled in a another direction by something good to do
even vacation has been a bit hectic, something is planned for every weekend and almost every week night
I don't want to say no to any of it....it's all fun things to do or things people I love want me to do
even the idea of quiet time seems like a "to-do" instead of a respite
when I do slow down for sabbath or night I clunk to sleep, no energy or brain power left for thoughtful reflection or mediation
I know that this cycle is unhealthy and that eventually it will have to end, but I just don't want to say "no" to any of it.
I'm definitely having a Martha-type summer, when the plan was to have a Mary-type season
I know that delegation and self-control are needed,
that I must find time to "be still and know that He is God"
right now I feel like my brain is a ball of yarn-snot (you know those tangled knotted clumps that pop out of the middle of a skein of yarn just when you've gotten a rhythm down to crocheting?)
I know that tugging and praying for the best won't untangle it, i must put my work down an focus on untangling the mess before I move forward
I could use a month of Sundays

Gonna put the world away for a minute...Pretend I don't live in it

2011-07-19T19:36:00.000-04:00

This explains where I've been for the past few weeks, I've been wandering unplugged from the world of blogs and whatnot. I've been feeling pretty fried lately, posting on facebook my varied attempts to press control-alt-delete to reboot my brain....smelling salt air, fingerpainting, crafting, hanging out with family, watching movies, reading, etc. Instead of writing about what this experience has taught me I thought I would share some of the pictoral evidence of my mental vacation...since I haven't quite figured out what I've learned yet.

glitter glue and world peace

2011-06-29T18:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes spilling glitter and squishing paint between my fingers is necessary for my emotional and mental well-being and stability.
My thoughts shout and pull in so many directions that I feel like I just need to DO SOMETHING
Messy creativity somehow helps me get my thoughts back to running smoothly and not sabotaging my peace and joy.
Finger paints, glitter, mod podge, scraps of paper, photographs, pieces of clothe...these are my reset button when my mind needs to re-boot.
If I don't create when I get the itch, I tend to get a bit touchy and cranky and not fun to live with
I wonder if people were allowed to take mental health days in order to create something (anything-even if its just a mess) if a lot drama and conflict could be avoided.
I know if listened to the urge to create a little sooner I would be able to avoid my inappropriate responses to minor inconveniences
I not saying that glitter glue will bring world peace, only Jesus' return will bring that, but I am thinking that listening to our hearts' cry to create might make us as individuals easier to live with

Joining up with others who create and express to communicate at Emily's for Imperfect Prose

"i didn't recognize you without the handcuffs"...RENT, Phish food, and other guilty pleasures

2011-06-22T19:49:00.000-04:00

As a first-born, type A, over achiever, I feel like I was designed to go go go
Most days I try to stay on top of things,
deadlines, meetings, homework, expectations, projects, travels, friendships
all good things, all worthy of my undivided attention
but sometimes all of that undivided attention leaves me feeling
thin...sort of stretched, like...butter scraped over too much bread. (thank you Bilbo Baggins)
that's when I realize that my brain needs a holiday
It doesn't take much

an ice cream cone on my lunch break,
a night in front of one of my old familiar movie friends like RENT, Sabrina, Harry Potter or Sweet Home Alabama
a new nail polish color, hair color, or shower gel to try
Ben and Jerry's straight out of the tub while thumbing through a mindless magazine
a coloring book and crayons

...something that requires enough attention to silence the racing thoughts, but not so much attention that I really have to think. Just enough to escape reality, until I feel like I can rejoin the world.

Tonight is a guilty pleasure night....watching RENT, singing along to every song, eating ice cream and making a up of chamomile tea
Life has been kicking my butt a little lately but I know that's only a matter of time before this too shall pass.

I know that there are probably healthier ways to regain my sanity, but for now this works for me
how bout you? how do you unwind?

linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

Gilbert Blythe, Sky Masterson, Adam Pontipee, and Boaz

2011-06-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

Facebook statuses have a funny way of latching on to my mind. This is one I saw today, "Repost for the LADIES: While wating on ur BOAZ, don't settle for any of his relatives...Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyingaz, Cheatingaz, Dumbaz, Fakeaz, Cryingaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornuthingaz, Lazyaz, Ignantaz, and especially Beatyoaz....wait for BOAZ!!! If u don't know who Boaz is, read ya Bible or Google it! Lol :-)"

Aside from making me laugh out loud, it got me to thinking...what am I looking for in a "Boaz"?

Those who know me or have followed me for a bit know that I tend to think in movie quotes and song lyrics...this has translated to my romantic ideals.
Gilbert Blythe, Sky Masterson, Adam Pontipee, Luke Danes, that scottish doctor from Christy...the list goes on a bit but you get the general idea. Some girls are looking for Prince Charming to sweep them off of their feet like Philip does to Aurora in Sleeping Beauty, but my middle school heroes were decidedly less disney. Sometimes I joke that these men are the reason I haven't settled down, how can I ever find a man that lives up to such an eclectic group of standards? I don't even know what they have in common other than the fact that I mooned over them as a seventh grade girl trying to figure out what love looks like.
Pondering the list, it looks like strength is a common denominator (as is stubbornness to a fault). As I have grown I have added a few things to the list...does he love Jesus? Does he like pie? (that's a story for another blog) Is he intimidated by the fact that I run into burning buildings? Is he aware that I come as a package deal with all of my friends and nephews and family?
The longer the list the more impossible the task seems to be.
Thank God He knows my heart better than I do and that "with God all things are possible."
I know that my list needs have some wiggle room, and I know that marriage is not an answer to a problem or a guarantee for happiness. I know that marriage is the union of two sinners, who have the privilege of becoming intimately acquainted with each other's foibles and flaws.
But as my sister once said, "it would be nice to have someone legally and spiritually bound to deal with my garbage." or to quote Lorelai Gilmore, "You know there are very few times in my life when I find my self sitting around, thinking I wish I was married, but today... I... I'm happy, you know? I like my life, I like my friends, I like my... stuff. My time, my space, my TV. But every now and then, just for a moment I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make ME coffee in the morning. Meet the stupid sink before it gets shipped back to Canada"
I don't know when God will bring me my Gilbert-Sky-Adam-Boaz, or even if he will, but I do know that until I know that it's from God, I'm not going to settle for any of Boaz's relatives.

If your still reading this rambling mess, thanks for listening...sometimes typing makes it all make a little bit more sense.

auntie lauri

2011-06-08T18:41:00.000-04:00

Most people who know me, know I want to be a mom
...and I have for a while
Growing up, I had numerous ideas for what "I wanted to be when I grew up"
but it was always something and a wife and mother
Sometimes this long lasting desire clouds my heart, and I doubt God's goodness
Many times I have been frustrated by the lack of opportunity for this desire to be met,
instead of recognizing God's goodness in placing me in exactly the position He wants me in
by His grace, those times have become less frequent, but they still happen
But when those doubting times happen, even in the midst of my minds active rebellion against God and His goodness
God is still good to me and tells me that He's got me and I need not doubt or be afraid

God knows my heart's desire better than I do and He alone knows when or how it will be fulfilled
For now He has blessed me richly by calling me to be Auntie Lauri my 3 favoritetest boys in the world
Being part of their world enables me to keep a better perspective on mine and although it's not exactly how I thought my life would go
For now this is enough

linking up with Emily and others at imperfect prose

new soil

2011-06-01T21:29:00.000-04:00

I must begin by saying that God is faithful!
He answers the cries of my heart even when I cannot find the words to shape them
Prayers humbly typed in "blogosphere" somehow reached the ears of God and He came through for me
not in the way I thought I wanted
but in a way all His own
rootbound and melancholy He plucked me out of my comfort zone
not in one fell swoop this time
but in countless little ways these past two weeks
some pruning here
a little trimming there
each new project a bigger bowl to stretch my roots out into
kindred spirits popping up in the most unexpected places
bringing joy and casting out doubt
like lady bugs descending to eat away my aphids
My prayer now is for faithfulness to meet God where He has placed me
...to trust and doubt no more

Joining up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

Root-bound

2011-05-18T19:48:00.001-04:00

yellowing leaves...starting from the inside
stunted growth
fewer flowers
symptoms looking like too dry or too wet but not quite
roots once safe and warm suddenly bumping into walls, twisting in on themselves, getting tangled and outgrowing home
restlessness settles in slow and steady in both my plants and my soul
if only re-potting was as easy for my soul as it is for my norfolk island pine
last time I felt like this I up and went to Kenya
but now with deeper roots and more responsibilities then I had two years ago
I'm praying for adventures closer to home
just as my pine had to wait patiently for me to re-pot it into roomier home
I'm waiting on God to give my roots some breathing room in some new adventures
because He loves me and knows my heart even better than I do

Joining up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

hank williams jr, lilacs, and narnia

2011-05-11T17:15:00.000-04:00

A man of much worldly experience has been known to sing, "If heaven ain't a lot like Dixie, I don't wanna go"
if it were me I would sing, if heaven doesn't have lilacs, I don't want to go!
(well I would still want to go, but I would probably be a bit disappointed)
I love lilacs...this time of year I find reasons to leave my desk and walk by the bush in the green by town hall just to get a few good lung-fulls of that beautiful scent in me to get me through the day. I believe there is not a problem that May can throw at me that lilacs won't help. Someday, my home will have a big lilac bush ( or two or three) planted right by my windows so that when I air the house out for spring cleaning I can welcome in that aroma.
While my love of lilacs and a few other pieces of this rock we call home (like ocean waves and gala apples and clear starry nights) may seem a bit random and a little nutty, they're one of the reasons I am so greatful for heaven to look forward to.
Being raised in a christian home sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I didn't know God and His promises. If I didn't have a new heavens and new earth to look forward to, I would be scared of dying. I can't imagine facing each day knowing that I may not smell lilacs again or eat another crisp apple, but God, the Creator of all things, promises to renew and redeem all parts of creation, to restore everything to even better than it was in the beginning! So instead of fearing never smelling lilacs again, I can look forward to smelling them the way God always meant for them to smell, without the taint of the curse of mortality on them.
It's like when everyone goes through the door in The Last Battle , "But that was not the real Narnia. That had a beginning and an end. It was only a shadow or a copy of the real Narnia which has always been here and will always be here....You need not mourn over Narnia, Lucy. All of the old Narnia that mattered, all the dear creatures, have been drawn into the real Narnia through the Door."
I can't wait to echo the unicorn and say "I have come home at last! this is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been longing for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this."
I believe I love lilacs because they smell a little like heaven, and for now that is enough.

Joining up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

hope that does not disappoint

2011-04-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

perhaps I tempted fate a bit too much last week
let that be a lesson to me, never claim an eeyore week before it is through
last week went from gray to prickly black...ever read that book about alexander and the horrible no-good very bad day?
life it seemed was getting in my way at every turn, barring productivity, joy, peace
everything I touched got ruined...
but Halleluiah! Easter morning did not disappoint!
dressed in a pretty dress with a rockin' hat I went to church determined that joy would come with the morning
everyone dressed up, the sanctuary filled to overflowing with faces, some familiar some not
the orchestra played, the Word was read and Pastor preached on Job
wait Job? you may ask...YES!
Even in the midst of all of his suffering and pain, ever so much more than I could bear or even imagine, he proclaimed "I know my Redeemer lives"
Life is messy and muddy, painful and slow at times, but I know that my Redeemer lives.
All these things shall pass away and I will think on them no more when I see His face smiling at me.
Because my Redeemer lives I have nothing to fear
Because my Redeemer lives I can love freely because His love satisfies when others disappoint
Because my Redeemer lives I have joy and hope in knowing that I am on my way home
Because my Redeemer lives I can recognize hints of heaven in truth and beauty that I see around me
Thank God that hope in Him does not disappoint!

Linking up with Emily and others today at Imperfect Prose

plumb tuckered out

2011-04-20T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'm tired
I'm not sure why but it's making these past few gray days even drearier
It's been an eeyore kind of a week
even with the daffodils blooming and trees beginning to bud - the promise of spring has seemed awfully far off
Between hard things going on, gray cold mornings, rainy afternoons and chilly damp nights
the dark feels like it's closing in and it is just plumb tuckering me out trying to fight it
...but i keep telling myself that Sunday is coming
I love Easter!

Easter morning reminds me that though Thursday and Friday loom heavy with

somber words and desperate prayers

betrayals sealed with a kiss

ransom bought with blood not my own,

the story doesn't end on friday night

Sunday is coming with

death conquered

love victorious

promises kept

the black rain clouds in my soul will only last so long,

soon light will break through and scatter darkness...

not because of anything I can do but because Jesus says so

Thank God that He knows my frail heart well enough to know that I need reminders
I long for the day when I won't need reminders of the resurrection anymore because I will see the Risen One face-to-face

linking up with Emily tonight at Imperfect Prose

Living on Kenyan Time

2011-04-13T20:54:00.000-04:00

It’s funny how life cycles around and things occur in spurts. Lately God has been bringing Kenya to mind in all sorts of ways. Every once in a while, but lately more often than normal, a smell will bring a flashback, or a craving for Kenyan tea will hit or someone will ask me about my trip. Last time I wrote seemed to be the beginning of the cycle…the tip of the iceberg of memories. I know that that scar of poverty-witnessed is embossed on my heart, but these reminders have got me to thinking, in what other ways has my life changed since that excellent adventure?

I remember wondering, on the plane ride home, at how my life would ever be the same, ready to change the world or at least my view of it…I also remember mourning how “normal” life returned so quickly once I got home.

One recurring thought is about how I use my time. “Kenyan time” was a fluid concept, punctuality was more of a loose suggestion then a rule. It took a while to get used to as an American, especially as a New Englander, but now I wish I could have some of that fluidity back. I wish I could find a way to work that freedom into my life to put relationships before results and people before punctuality. In theory it sounds like a good plan, but it’s a lot easier said than done. I also miss the tea breaks in the morning and afternoon, a time to sip and talk and reflect regardless of to-do lists and deadlines.

The more I’ve thought about this concept of Kenyan time I guess a lot of this boils down to “living in community” being a cultural priority. When community is your guiding principle then time and tea and talking all flow out pretty naturally. I also think that a culture of need is a pretty big driving force, when food and shelter and other basic needs are harder to come by, you have to rely on your community for support Physical need seems to stop a lot of competition in its tracks and focuses everyone on what’s important. I wish I knew how to translate a realization of spiritual poverty into the catalyst for community that physical poverty is.

How amazing would it be if the recognition of our sinfulness and brokenness pushed us to rely on our brothers and sisters more strongly, instead of pushing us to retreat into our stone soul-castles casting out everyone who would dare try and come close enough to see our weakness.

I pray that God will open my eyes to see the needs of myself and of those around me as opportunities for relationship building…that I would not focus on how to fix the problem but how to love through it and let God do the healing.

Linking up with a community of brokenness at Imperfect Prose

Scars...revisited

2011-03-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

This week I want to re-visit something I wrote on my other blog 2 summers ago when I was in Kenya....

I've been thinking about scars lately, how they don't hurt but can tell a story and can bring back memories of pain or growth.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I am here, God wanted to give my heart a scar of poverty...that the pain I have seen and felt this summer and the growth in understanding and love from it might eventually not always hurt or invade every waking thought as they do now but will leave a mark that others will see and will give me a better ability to share my story and how God has worked in my life.

Looking in the mirror now, I can still see the scar. Like any physical scar, sometimes its hard to see and sometimes it stands out vividly, and sometimes i can still feel the sting. In a way I wish those times that I feel the sting would happen more frequently. Looking back now I am saddened at how easily it seemed to scab and heal over, how easily I forget that it's there. But God is gracious and holds a mirror to it every once in a while and reminds me that it's still there.

Linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

barefeet searching for excellence

2011-03-23T17:34:00.000-04:00

“Finallybrothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything isexcellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.”

This is the end of my barefooted adventures…whatever is admirable. It seems that all the things that came before –truth, purity, right-ness, beauty – feeds into this final thought as if these things are not enough but I must think of only the highest caliber in each category.

My heart is prone to wander, making idols or created things instead of loving the Creator as I should. I think that this final requirement is the only defense against idolatry.

It is so easy to love things of truth or beauty, to look up to those who are right and pure and to let it end as admiration instead of letting those things do their job and point us to the Author of all Beauty, Truth, and Right. I shield my heart’s eyes from the infinite glory of God shining in my face and instead focus on the objects reflecting that glory and call them the source. By calling me to ponder excellence God is pulling my hands away and telling me to stop taking the easy way out. I need to let my eyes feel the disquiet of infinite glory and see my heart’s defects in the light it provides. Only in this light can I see how much I need God’s grace and how far Jesus had to stoop to pull me up from darkness.

Barefeet takes courage, I pray that God would strengthen my heart.

lovely barefeet

2011-03-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely…”

March in New England is a hard time to focus on lovely. November is kind of a drag for it’s grayness – March is defined by brownness. The world around me seems enveloped in a smear of mud The snow that once was white and clean is the gray-brown of road salt and the ground newly reveled that once was green in summer splendor is now brown with dead leaves and mud.

Mud is everywhere…roads, yards, homes, cars, clothes. I have to admit I’m pretty good at suspending reality and being optimistic, but even I can have a hard time imagining mud into lovely.
Trees are lovely, flowers are lovely, clean flowing streams and crisp green lawns are lovely…even freshly fallen snow and dripping icicles are lovely, but there is just something about mud.

Perhaps mud’s “lovely” comes in the anticipation. Mud season is a season like all others and I know that “this too shall pass.” The sight and sounds and smells of mud may not be lovely in and of themselves but there is something in the air tickling the senses and teasing of spring to come. Like the first few chords of a favorite song, this March air can get the adrenaline pumping. “No, all is not as it should be yet, but it will be soon” the earth seems to say.

The lovely is there for the taking in March, it just needs to sought fiercely and held tightly.
In the midst of cold and colds, surprise snow that has over stayed it’s welcome, dirty snow/ice piles, potholes, and flooded streams, hope for change is in the air. That tricksy southern sun warmed wind catches your ear and whispers as Narnians said the spell began to break… “Aslan is on the move.” And that is a lovely thought indeed.

Letting my bare feet get a little muddy and joining up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose.

purely barefoot

2011-03-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,

Purity is a lost art. Not that any person or time or place could claim true purity, but it seems that at some point the pursuit of purity used to be something worth doing.
Yes, there are still individuals who pursue purity or maybe even a few groups, but as a culture nothing could be more foreign.
The loss of absolute truth may have something to do with it...by definition purity has no room for gray areas or exceptions or excuses. It demands perfection...pure love, pure joy, pure peace, pure faith... all without a shadow of doubt. Part of me longs for those things, and yet when I look at my life through this filter of purity all I can see are smudges and taints, shadows and holes; and I wonder, so far gone, is it worth it to try anymore for purity?

I know that Jesus' pure love, pure, obedience, pure sacrifice is the only hope for my soul. It is only in Him that I may be made pure. Washed clean not by my pursuit and striving but by His blood.
The pursuit of purity is only effective when it is the fruit of being forgiven
And yet, this pursuit is even more counter-cultural than the pursuit of purity for purity's sake.

I'm wrestling with this and joining my voice to the community at Imperfect Prose

barefooted justice

2011-02-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right…

As a girl born and raised in the Constitution State I feel that I have a genetic predisposition to love rules. I like knowing where I stand and what I need to do…and what I can expect others to do. The problem is that in a broken world, communication breaks down and rules are more of a fluid concept to most people. The rules only apply when convenient or personally beneficial….I must confess that I’ve been known to craft a few loop holes myself every once in a while. Loop holes, exceptions, special cases, appeals, and the like have become so much a part of the regulatory culture that we live in, it has become difficult to find what real rules apply. It seems the Pharisees had this same problem in Jesus’ time. Spending more time on their made up rules that they felt that could follow than they did on God’s perfect law. I think that is why we make some many superfluous rules and laws…we like to feel we measure up and the more rules we can claim to follow the less the more we can numb the sting of non-compliance with the rules that really matter.

All of this baggage aside, what does God require? Perfection.

Plain and simple, complete obedience…I couldn’t do it and so Jesus did it for me. In response to that perfection God calls me to love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others as I love myself. He calls me to seek justice, love mercy and to walk humbly before Him. He calls me to seek the welfare of others before my own. After quite a bit of prayer and thinking this week I think it boils down to the fact that doing anything less than loving God in all that I say do, and think; and loving and treating every other human being as an individual created in the image of God, is doing injustice. It’s a high standard that I fail in every day, but this is what God is calling me to do. I pray that He would work in my heart, to strengthen the muscles I need to do this better…that I would learn to love well – for that is justice.

Walking barefoot and joining up with the community at Imperfect Prose

my confessions

2011-02-16T17:39:00.000-05:00

I have to confess that I do not feel like I could do justice to "justice" tonight...to be honest life has been kicking my butt a bit lately I don't feel up to doing much of anything right now. Nothing major going on, just a lot of little things piling up to make daily life oh so incredibly daily. The latest in my misadventures and stumbling blocks has been the fact that my apartment now looks like a scene from ET

A water problem due to weather damage to my building manifested itself as a few stains on my ceiling and a patch of soaking wet carpet. I understand that it was necessary to get at the root problem but I really was not prepared for a plastic wall and a kitchen blocked by furniture last night. After I got over the shock and started moving furniture to get around I was brave and ventured across the plastic curtain and took some pictures

Sometimes life is like snow beaten building. Little issues, small sins, minor stumbling blocks can pop up when least expected and will grow moldy and gross if not dealt with. But usually that "dealing with" requires some pretty big digging because the problem is deeper and much more wide spread than originally thought. No matter how costly, inconvenient, or hard that clean up has to be...it is always better than mold spores and bug infestations.

thanks for listening and letting me take a bit of a break from my barefooted adventures. Lord willing I'll be back in action next week.

joining up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

is it possible to be nobly barefooted?

2011-02-09T17:43:00.000-05:00

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,

Noble was harder to find than truth.
I have two pictures in my mind...one is noble-clean and holy in a world full of mud, integrity never wavering, never stopping to their level....
the other is noble-love covered in mud and blood and tears...bearing burdens, selling all it has in order to give, loving those who can't love back, serving those who least deserve...

Noble one of those words that I think I know until i must define it.
Dictionary.com had this to say about noble

1.distinguished by rank or title.

2.pertaining to persons so distinguished.

3.of, belonging to, or constituting a hereditary class that has special social or political status in a country or state; of or pertaining to the aristocracy.

4.of an exalted moral or mental character or excellence; lofty: a noble thought.

5.admirable in dignity of conception, manner of expression, execution, or composition: a noble poem.

6.very impressive or imposing in appearance; stately; magnificent: a noble monument.

7.of an admirably high quality; notably superior; excellent.

8.famous; illustrious; renowned.

Words like exalted moral character, distinguished, magnificent, superior, illustrious all put this noble just out of reach in my everyday life it seems. Both of my pictures are longings and yet seem other from the life I have lived so far.
but like always, when all hope seems lost Jesus reminds me
that he who would be first should be last, that she who would lead needs to serve,
it really is that simple.
A living for others...loving God and loving man in their rightful places is what He requires of me.
Then I realize,

Noble is a label given, not a label claimed.

It comes when others who were loved and served look back and see the heart of God instead of human hands.
It comes when a world that is hurting recognizes something higher and holier reaching out to sooth and heal.
Noble is others recognizing divine work through human actions and not knowing what else to call it. This is the life I want...to be a jar of clay.

Linking up with Emily and other jars of clay at imperfect prose

A Wild Woman

2011-02-08T20:02:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this but I LOVE cookbooks. They call my name from used bookstores and barnes and noble shelves alike; all saying, "take me home."
Instead of trying to figure out this mania, I've decided to just go with it.
One of my favorite finds is Sweets: A collection of soul food desserts and memories by Patty Pinner. It combines my love of delicious simple wholesome recipes well made with my love of stories well told, and just generally makes me happy whenever I look at it.
This past Saturday I was looking for a recipe for cookies to bring to a church lunch the next day and found one...I also found a description of who I want to be when I grow up :)
It made me laugh out loud and so I felt the need to share it, first with some ladies at church, and now with you all. So here it goes:
"Every family has a wild woman: a woman who talk loud and saucy and throws her head way back when she laughs; a woman who smooths the seat of her dress in a seductive manner when she walks, seemingly unaware of the folks straining to catch a glimpse; one who may be well past her prime but is obviously still having sex with her husband, and obviously still enjoying it. Cud'n John's wife, Florence, was our family's wild woman. A cross between Eartha Kitt and Moms Mabley, Cud'n Florence was a purring kitten one minute and a court jester the next. She could mimic mannerisms and tell jokes with the precision of a professional comedian. She kept us-including Big Mama, who didn't tolerate too much foolishness-laughing.
There were all kinds of rumors about the way Cud'n John, My My's first cousin on her mama's side, a dapper, street smart man in his own right, met Cud'n Florence-there was some real speculation where Cud'n Florence's past was concerned. But all the women in my family loved her anyway. They praised her for the way she kept herself up, and marveled over how neat and clean she kept her house, right down to her chest of drawers, where every bra and every panty was neatly folded the way they are on the display tables in boutiques. And they admired her for the glorious and eclectic was she lived her life-shopping trips to Chicago with the girls, civic club meetings, Friday night card games, and hosting Sunday afternoon church socials.
Cud'n Florence might have been our family's wild woman, but now that I am older and things make more sense, I understand that she was way more than just our family's wild wmoan. Cud'n Florence was also a model, of sorts, for the women in my family. When Cud'n Florence came to town-she and Cud'n Joh lived in a lovely old home in Detroit-all the women, inclduing Big Mama, gathered around her. Her loud laughter, her sauciness, her accounts of her latest adventures and investments, and the sexy way she put her hand on her hip when she took a glass of ice water to Cud'n John mesmerized us. In Cud'n Florence, young and old, we saw our feminine possibilities. In her we witnessed an older woman who still flaunted her feminine curves, one who was full of joy, full of seasoned feminine grace, aware of it, proud of it, and overflowing with love."

I especially love that last sentence...that's what I want to be when I grow up, an older woman who still flaunted her feminine curves, one who was full of joy, full of seasoned feminine grace, aware of it, proud of it, and overflowing with love.
Here's to you wild women out there, keep doing what you're doing!

ps- in case you haven't guessed, I highly recommend the book, lot's of really good recipes, beautiful stories about the author's family, and fun family photos.

TRUTHfully barefoot

2011-02-02T20:07:00.000-05:00

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true

This is what I know to be true:

Jesus loves me
I am a sinner saved by grace, walking and learning to be more like Him
I am washed in blood and God remembers my sins no more
I am adopted into the family of God
I am not my own
God is sovereign
God is bigger than the boogie man (He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV)
This world is broken and sore with sin
This world is not my home
Though I stand on Jordan's stormy banks, I'm bound for a better land
God provides for His people, He is enough
I am blessed beyond measure with family and friends who love me, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, a job that uses my gifts and pays my bills
I am called to love God and love people
I am called to be a good steward of the gifts given to me

One thing I learned this week, it is not enough just to say yes to truth, but I also must just as passionately say no to lies.
Doubts, fears, guilt, despair, jealousy, worry all have no place in this holy place of barefooted communion.
God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth.

What do you know to be true?

Adding my voice to Imperfect Prose

barefoot is better

2011-01-26T19:30:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking
What does omnipresence have to do with my life?
Do I live as though God were near?
Do I pray as though He is holding my hand?
Do I act and speak as though He is standing in front of me?
truthfully no
but why is this so?
I know that God is near - present - close at hand
and yet I wallow in worry, give in to grumbling, sink into self-centeredness
I disregard my Creator

I want this to change
while I pray for awareness of presence and alertness to Spirit
I know that I can do more

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

The Lord is near

therefore I should rejoice

therefore I should let peace guard my heart

therefore I should think on these things

This is the plan, to invite God's presence into my life by focusing on one of these attributes a week

And writing about what God reveals in His presence, both because I process with words and to ask you to keep me accountable.

The burning bush said

~Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground

let the barefooted adventures begin

Joining with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose, a place for barefeet and broken bread

wearing giraffe ears to the glory of God

2011-01-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

two little words
seven letters of peace
why does God say "Fear not"
when there seems to be oh so much to fear?
He is Creator, holy and mighty, infinite in power
I am creature, broken, full of sin, weak
and yet He says "Fear Not"
The mountains crumble
Evil men prosper
all seems lost
and yet He says "Fear Not"

fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
or I, the LORD your God,
   hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, "Fear not,
   I am the one who helps you."
But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
   he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
Fear not, stand firm,
and see the salvation of the LORD,
which he will work for you today.
For the Egyptians whom you see today,
you shall never see again.
Fear not, for behold,
I bring you good news of great joy
that will be for all the people.

I heard once that giraffes are fearless...their kicks can kill lions...and so they have no natural predators...I long to be a giraffe...to fear not...and so I wear my giraffe ears to the glory of God...because my God is good and because my Father loves me and love casts out fear

Linking up with Imperfect Prose, a community built in brokenness

Wo(-man)

2011-01-12T20:30:00.000-05:00

In this season of intention and careful thought some topics have bubbled up and risen to the top of my heart like water just about to simmer. One of the topics is what woman without man?
Growing up churched, covenant child that I am, I know the verses about what women should be....genesis woman-a helper made for man, bone of bone and flesh of flesh to be a custom made companion; proverbs 31 woman-a godly wife, careful homemaker, wise and loving mother bringing honor to her head of house, called blessed by children. And as I grew, no longer child, welcomed into sisterhood of women in the church...conferences, retreats, bible studies, even small talk around the coffee pot all center around this role-faithful wife, wise and loving mother.
All these good and Godly truths have got me confused and on my knees....please, how do this living as woman single? If woman was made to be a helper and companion, what do I do without a companion to help? How do I live faithfully as I was created, when what I was created for is just not an option right now? I have to believe that there is more to this wo(-man) thing than waiting and wishing and hoping and hearing "o it will happen for you soon."
Singleness whether for a season or for life is God's best for me right now...i know this because He is sovereign and fully capable of changing the situation and because I know that He loves even more deeply then I can begin to imagine. Knowing all of this does not answer my questions or take away this aching hunger to live this role of helper-companion, but it does give me peace to not let it keep me up most nights.

Linking my brokeness with Emily today over at Imperfect Prose

Re-grouping

2011-01-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

Winter snow and filtered light, biting cold and longer nights all seem to pull me in close to hearth and home. Hibernation feels good and rest seems to lead to reflection. Perhaps this is why we make resolutions this time of year. And so with another year behind me and cold winds keeping me from staying outside, I let the reflection begin....
Last year was a year of flying by the seat of my pants and floating with the wind, changes came in fast and hard and for the most part I kept my head above water, by the grace of God. It is by His grace that many of the "good ideas" I had seemed to prosper and the not-so-good ideas didn't sting as badly as they could have. Gazing at the mirror and seeing the reflection of the last year I can see God's fingerprints and gentle nudges keeping me from falling off the cliffs I would get myself onto. God is so good and has given me oh so much more than I deserve. Glorious sunsets, smiling faces, laughing hearts, heart-tugging chats, encouraging words, healthy family, answered prayers, lapping ocean waves, and consistent employment are all blessings that I recognize as the work of God alone.
With reflection, comes re-grouping and re-thinking, planning for the year to come. My prayer for this year is that I live it more intentionally. I want to pursue God more consistently and thoughtfully; to use and grow my gifts more intentionally; and write and create more regularly; and to live more peacefully.
God has given me much and I want to do much with it. Looking back I feel like with the spontaneity came waste. Not enough waste to discount the lessons learned or blessings received, just enough to make me ponder...what could I have done if I had not wasted my time or talent or treasure.
Praise God that He is in control and not me!

Linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

Key Changes

2010-12-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

The Christmas season is in full swing, even at work I have worked my magic with garland and glitter. I am still as much a fanatic about Christmas as I ever was, but this year it's different.
I'm not living with my parents, surrounded by the familiar decorations and loving memories of a childhood gone by....
my sister isn't here to go on shopping adventures with or plan and plot Christmas surprises the way we did before...
friends are moving not far away, but far enough to make a difference....
scheduling has become tighter than ever trying to fit in as much "quality" time as possible....
people I know have lost loved ones, others are struggling with disease or heartache.
In the midst of glitter and mistletoe and Rudolph it seems, more apparent in this season than most, that something is not right. All is not as it should be.
Praise God that He allows us to claim that as truth. He says in His Word, "No, things are not as they should be." Scripture is full of pictures of creation groaning as if in childbirth waiting for God to act. Sin is the reason things are not right and even nature itself recognizes the need for change. Creation knows that God who is faithful promised and still promises to act.
The advent season is a season of waiting, long lay the world in sin and error pining, recognizing what is broken and waiting expectantly for God to make it right. That's why Jesus came, immortal made mortal, divine clothed in flesh...to make things right. I think this realization is why I like advent hymns in minor keys. With all the sweet and happy wishes for peace and joy during the holiday season, it's nice to be able to buck against it a bit and recognize that waiting is hard and brokenness hurts. It reminds us that not only are we remembering a season of waiting, but that we are still waiting for the final fulfillment of all of God's promises to make all things new and wipe away all tears.
Yes, all is not as it should be, but I serve a God who keeps His promises. I live in hope because because God came to dwell with His people, to set them free. I live in hope because a baby was born in Bethlehem, just like God said He would be.

Let all mortal flesh keep silence, and with fear and trembling stand;
ponder nothing earthly minded for with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth, our full homage to demand.

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose

Living with, living with, not dying from disease

2010-12-01T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today is World AIDS Day.
About 33.3 million people are living with HIV worldwide.
To be honest, growing up, I never really thought HIV/AIDS. Growing up in the 90s, the fear wasn't as great as it had been a few years before, a little more research had been done, and it just didn't really affect my life.
Even in college when my view expanded and the shear vastness of the epidemic set in, AIDS still didn't feel real to me. The numbers where just too big, the need too great to wrap my brain around and since I wasn't personally affected by it, it was easier to just where a red ribbon and feel I had done my part.
Then came Kenya.
The life expectancy in Kenya is 54...a full 24 years younger than the US. While there is good news from UNAIDS about the numbers of people dying from AIDS going down and the number of people on antiretoviral therapy is going up, I'm still haunted by the faces of children I fell in love with.
I went to Kenya knowing that 1 in 3 people living in the slum that I was to work in was infected with HIV. But it was easy to forget the numbers while playing with the kids...joking in broken kiswahili, laughing out loud, playing games in what little space there was to run and jump.
Then after the bonds of 6 weeks of working and learning together where built a short-term medical team came in for a clinic. I remember one doctor saying that there where physical signs of the disease, visible indicators that they looked for...he said not a single child he had seen that day was without those signs. Objectively it made sense, we were in a slum in Nairobi, serving the poorest of the poor, of course the numbers would be high, but none of us were prepared for that. Those children, so full of love and laughter in the midst of their circumstances, they are carrying a disease that causes their own blood cells to betray them. Suddenly HIV/AIDS was no longer a disease of those who made unhealthy choices, these were children.
Today is a day that now has meaning. Now when I where red ribbons, or buy a (red) product, or give to fill the need, I have faces to put on the pain and that has made the difference.
The work is not in vain, the fruit has been seen, infection rates are going down, ART is more available, we know so much more about this disease then ever before...and yet it is not enough.
Join with me today in praying for those infected, that medicine and education would be available, that families and friends would support and love them, that needs would be met, health would be protected, that more people would be tested and given treatment, and most of all that God would fulfill His promise to make all things new, because that is the only lasting cure.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. Revelation 21:1-7

Joining with Emily and others in a community build in brokenness at Imperfect Prose

Breathe Deep

2010-11-24T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it is hard to remember God's goodness:
When Godly, lovely people lose battles with disease,
when evil people seem to not have a care in the world,
when humble go hungry and proud eat their fill.
This seeming reality can destroy joy like nothing else I know.
My head knows that God is good, because His Word tells me so, my heart knows that He is good because I have seen Him answer prayer. But sometimes I just can't seem to bring it all together. The pain is too real, the look of suffering in another's eyes is too vivid, the cup is too bitter and I lose faith...even if only for a moment.
How fickle my affections are, how quick to judge and slow to trust.
GOD IS GOOD.
He does not promise that I will know how His goodness will manifest itself or that it will fit my definition of "good," He simply promises that all things will work together for the good of those who are called by His name. As my pastor said in a sermon not too long ago, "be thankful that He has saved you and live your life."
And so, on this eve of Thanksgiving I will choose an attitude of gratitude. Because a thankful heart has no room for doubts.
I am grateful for my name written in the book of life and God who loved me enough to pay with blood to write it. I am grateful for a family who loves me and loves God. I am grateful for friends who get me and who have my back. I am grateful for daily bread and joy in my work. I am grateful for baby kisses and toddler hugs, for sunny mornings and flocking birds. I am grateful for projects to keep my hands busy and for art to keep my mind in awe. I am grateful for health and a roof over my head. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who listens to my prayers and answers with what is best and not with what I want. I am grateful for a savior who is teaching me that if I fear Him, I have nothing to fear. Most of all I am grateful for the breath of life, both in this world and the next.

breathing deep in broken thoughts, linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose.

Mod Podge and Glitter

2010-11-17T21:45:00.000-05:00

As I paint and glitter my way up to Christmas (early I know but I do love it so) I wonder what doesthis mess of mod podge and glitter and lace have to do with the incarnation of Jesus Christ? At first glance I would say nothing, it is an example of how this deep theological truth has become a reason for silliness. But not being one to settle for first glances and not being quite ready to resign my glittery dreams and schemes I decide to look a bit deeper in my heart, why do I love Christmas so much? Why do I get joy and giggles when I smell pine and see ribbons?
Part of it is my love of hospitality, what a great time of year to invite anyone and everyone over for good hearty foods and warm drinks. This season is custom made for nights running long with music laughter and board games. I think that part of my love of decorating for Christmas is wanting to display my home at its best and to give others joy when I entertain them.
Another part is my mourning of shorter days, dropping temperatures, dead-looking trees, and lack of outdoor color. The line in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe about it being always winter and never Christmas is one of the most tragic lines in children's literature and I believe it to be a pretty accurate description of what my life would be without the love of God. "Greening" my apartment give me hope for spring...all is not dead in this season of cold and dark.

Finally I believe part of my love of Christmas comes from a (sometimes overly) developed sense of wonder and silliness that I have inherited from my parents. I believe that Anne of Green Gables calls it "being of the race that knows Joseph," this love of beauty and ability to be suddenly captivated by mystery, hope, wonder, and tragedy that surrounds everyday. Christmas time is custom made for kindred spirits. The lush green garlands, snappy red ribbons, shiny bulbs, twinkling bells, flashing lights, tiny jolly figures, all give such scope for the imagination. Christmas is a time for wonder, wondering at God becoming man, angels singing to shepherds, kings following stars. If these are not reasons to give into temporary captivity of awe I don't know what is. Celebrating helps enable these awe-struck sighs and contagious giggles.

"The more we are proud that the Bethlehem story is plain enough to be understood by the shepherds, and almost by the sheep, the more do we let ourselves go, in dark and gorgeous imaginative frescoes or pageants about the mystery and majesty of the Three Magian Kings." GK Chesterton

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose

november grayness

2010-11-10T21:04:00.001-05:00

November is a gray month. 

The trees are bare and some how appear purple in their nakedness.  Cloudy skies are no longer just dark with passing rain but are a steely almost dirty looking shade that proclaims frost and whispers of snow.  The rain gets thicker and flirts with the firmness of frozen precipitation. Even the wind seems somehow gray in its new ability to bite.

November snow doesn't usually last long, it's just an appetizer, a foretaste, a teaser, never lasting long enough to make all things look new in its whiteness...just long enough to mess up the driving.  

This was true on Monday.   This November snow turned gray as a cold rain set in melting the snow into slush.  Eventually the snow left and now the 50s have returned if only for a week.  But even this little bit of warmth is deceiving with the wind cutting through it.

As you may have guessed November is not necessarily my favorite month.  One would think that being a good new england girl, I would have made peace with the seasons long ago, but some how this transition between fall and winter always seems to surprise me.  

The only thing I like about November is that it means I can begin listening to Christmas music without being judged.  

I am a firm believer that Christmas is what makes the cold worth it!  

The decorations, the family time, the joyous parties, the delicious food, the awe-inspiring hymns and carols that speak such gospel truth.  When else can you wander through Target on your lunch break and hear the words, "Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace! Hail the Son of  Righteousness! Light and life to all He brings Ris'n with healing  in His wings Mild He lays His glory by Born that man no more may  die Born to raise the sons of earth Born to give them second birth Hark!  The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King!" " playing over the intercom?

As I wander through this world of gray and cold I pray for contentment, I pray for joy, and most of all a pray that this mystery of incarnation...immortal becoming mortal, Creator putting on created skin...that this mystery would sink into my soul.  May I live like this is true!  Somehow I think that in the light of Jesus setting aside all heavenly glory to be born among livestock, with nothing but the cross before Him, this cold seems a little less gray.

joining up with Emily today at Imperfect Prose

God is good and I need to vacuum

2010-11-03T21:53:00.001-04:00

I have written and re-written this entry quite a few times, never quite finding the right words to say. the command of the english language lay before me and yet all I truly want to say is that God is good.
So often I forget this and in worry-sickness watch and wonder when the rug will be pulled out from underneath me when I am feeling blessed. Or in self-pitying guilt I reason "what right have I to expect good things from God?" when I have been so disobedient.
Yes, life is messy and yes, life hurts....BUT my God is faithful and powerful, able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine.
On messy days when life gets me to the end of myself and I lay my soul before God in wordless prayer of surrender, cheek to carpet on my living room floor (realizing not only my sinfulness and inability to do anything to save myself but also that I have neglected vacuuming for far too long) I am tempted to despair. Times like this God's truth is more trustworthy than my feelings and so I let God's promises mend my soul.

"My soul magnifies the Lord,

and myspirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
   For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
   and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him
   from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
   and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
   in remembrance of his mercy,
as he spoke to our fathers,
    to Abraham and to his offspring forever."

Luke 1:46-55

joining up with others who see beauty in brokenness at Imperfect Prose

The Romance of the Sea

2010-10-27T19:51:00.000-04:00

In the midst of crazy college conversations I learned something new about myself - that I was different from many of my friends in a way that I never expected...I honestly believed that everyone wanted to be a pirate when they grew up, at some point in their lives! I was shocked to see surprised faces and looks questioning my sanity when I spoke this belief aloud. I had expected great variations in religion, politics, moral beliefs, but this seemed like a given.
So, with risk of being giggled at, I admit I wanted to be a pirate when I grew up. No not a real one that plunders and pillages and steals, or even a story book one that makes people walk the plank. I simply longed for the total freedom of being more at home on the sea than on land; to be able to go where I wanted, when I wanted apart from any entanglements I may have left behind on a distant shore. (maybe I wanted a little rebellion too like not washing behind my ears or not picking up room).
Whatever the pull to the sea was, it is still there....ocean breezes are necessary for my mental well-being.
The constantly changing landscape, the small treasures of sun-bleached shells and sea tumbled jewels of glass, the familiar chatter of gulls, the rhythmic lapping of the waves all whisper of home to me. The sun's intensity is multiplied and the wind takes on new life when tainted with the scent of salty sea spray.
I find it's easier to pray on the beach, the vastness of the seemingly endless ocean laid out before me puts my heart in perspective and gives me a glimpse of the greatness of the God that I serve.
So with all of the craziness of life this past weekend I finally got to run away to my beloved beach. This weekend was homecoming and before the big game and joyous reunions I stole some time and had my morning coffee with the waves and the gulls. It as a calm morning, autumn sun streaming through the clouds and I knew that this sight was for me and I wanted to share it with you....

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Linking up with Emily and others at Imperfect Prose

Punctuality and the Perseverance of the Saints

2010-10-20T21:02:00.000-04:00

I am a worrier by-nature, one way that this manifests itself in my life and a deep need to be punctual. I worry that if I am not on time (or in most cases a bit early) I may
cause others pain by causing them to worry
   waste others' time and be a disappointment
      miss out on something important that couldn't wait for me.
            cause others my question my love/sincerity/care
all because I could not make it on time.I know that these are sometimes silly fears, especially when I know that I hold no hard feelings against those who are late when meeting me.
But these worries I still have and so I tend spend a lot of time looking at my watch.
Knowing this about myself and knowing that God has called me to cast out fear and to lay my worries and burdens down, sometimes I write two little words on my wrist...all things. Just above where the face of my watch is, just big enough so that I see it whenever I check the time.
"Why all things?" you may ask, I write all things because it reminds me of some of my favorite Bible verses, promises of God that keep me grounded and remind me not to worry.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."" Matthew 19:26

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

"Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me,“Write, for these words are true and faithful.”" Rev 21:5

These two little words remind me that there is nothing outside of God's hands, all things must and will work together for my good and for my salvation because He says so. These two little words remind me that I am held by God's grip and not my own.
Someday, when I remember, at the craft store I will buy alphabet beads to make myself a bracelet so that I can be a more obedient daughter and stop writing on myself. But until then I will continue to use magic marker to remind my heart to be still and know that my Father has everything under control.

Joining Emily and others for Imperfect Prose

sometimes i just have to stick my finger in my ears and sing

2010-10-13T21:26:00.000-04:00

As I sat and thought about what to write tonight, to join in Imperfect Prose, many things came to mind...struggles this week with contentment, wonders and worries about the future, longing for companionship, amazement at my own brokeness all joined the chorus of ideas.
I pondered and prayed a bit more, not satisfied with any of it and I wondered if i had anything worth sharing.
Then a song came to mind, but first let me explain. This past Sunday as I was driving and listening to A Prairie Home Companion, I caught an interview with a couple of guys who sang together. The conversation turned to Lutheran hymns and how everyone knows all the words and then they began to sing "for the beauty of the earth," from memory...in harmony!
This beautiful moment driving home from church as the heat warmed my toes and the colors of fall leaves flew by my windshield is what came to mind tonight.
I realized tonight that many of my struggles, worries, temptations, and disappointments can all be traced back to my listening to lies from the enemy. Isn't that how all this pain started anyways, "did God really say...?" Why is the bad stuff always easier to believe? Lies about God's goodness seem to be easier for me to believe and harder for me to drown out. The only antidote to these lies is grateful praise. It is so much harder to believe God stingy or negligent when I am busy thanking Him for what He has given. For He truly is good sometimes I just need to remember that.
So tonight I stick my fingers in my ears against those lies of discontent, worry, and brokeness-beyond-repair, and I sing my thankfullness to drown them out.
I will probably fall for these lies again and have to learn this lesson over and over again; never quite getting it until Jesus returns or calls me home...but for tonight I will make the conscious decision to not listen.

For the beauty of the earth
For the glory of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies.